Several Underground Residents play a large part in the plot of the game but will never be kissed. The five listed here are Junior High Teachers who are all experiencing bankruptcy and need to take on part-time jobs or steal.
Mr. Michio Suzuki - Your Love GuruEdit
A walking head with no arms and a paint brush on his head, Poor Boy meets Mr. Suzuki after putting his love letter in the mail box. Inviting Poor Boy down to apartment 103, Mr. Suzuki insists that Poor Boy must improve his reputation and strengthen his heart by kissing people throughout town. He first introduces him to the Underground Residents through Onion Lady, Poor Boy's first kiss. He later plans to let him use his treasured Love Letter Set, but it is stolen by a disgruntled employee. Asking him "How are you?" after trying to use the crosswalk will prompt him to fix the broken traffic lights, giving Poor Boy access to Undasura Park.
Mr. Dan YamadaEdit
Mr. Yamada is introduced as Poor Boy attempts to deliver his love letter. He clears the path to the 1st District by bulling through the mass of debris scattered about. He is hinted at in the game through the use of posted signs that warn of a "pole that kicks things." He is a walking telephone pole with a face emerging from roughly a third of the way up the pole. He later steals Mr. Suzuki's Love Letter Set as "severance pay" but is immediately mugged by three retired teachers. His hobby is soccer. On his way out of Long Life Town, he kicks the rock off of the tracks that had blocked the trains, granting Poor Boy access to Scarecrow Field, Worldly Desire Temple, and (from WDT) Funny Bone City.
Mr. Saburomaru InoueEdit
Mr. Inoue is one of three retired teachers who has lent money to Dan Yamada and takes one part of the Love Letter Set, the Love Ink, from him as payment. A walking gravestone with a face, he regularly sits near another gravestone in the cemetery at Worldly Desire Temple. Mr. Inoue claims he is willing to trade the Love Ink if Poor Boy can do something about the Monk's annoying gong.
Mr. Junichi SaitoEdit
A walking metal barrel with a face, Mr. Saito is one of three retired teachers who takes one part of the Love Letter Set, the Love Paper, from Dan Yamada as payment for a loan.
Mrs. Sayuri IwataEdit
A hopping signpost with a face, English teacher Mrs. Iwata makes off with the Love Fountain Pen, one part of Mr. Suzuki's Love Letter Set, as payment for a loan made to Mr. Yamada. She wants proof she is not the only one who blieves in UFOs.
- Mr. Suzuki has a part-time job maintaining the street lamps.
- Mr. Yamada played soccer in junior high.
- PE teacher Mr. Saito has many talents. He has learned Kendo 3-dan, Judo 4-dan, Aikido 5-dan, Shodo 4-kyu, Gokushin Karate, Gracie Jyu Jitsu, Shaolin Kenpo, Bayonet, Taikyokuken, Hakkyokuken, Daito Jujitsu, Hanayagiryu Dance, Igo, Shogi, and Mahjong.